Rant-Man Labormania / workplace chronicles vol. I

07/04/2026

are you Sitting Down? not that im gonna say anything thatll shock you, just that this is gonna be a long one. this weeks been a lil eventful and this is gonna be a multi-parter so strap in

Part I: grandpa found the yuri

first story begins a few days ago. my coworker Tamia had recently come in fifth for a yuri visual novel game jam. (not particularly related to the story but thats still super cool congrats to them) apparently it was a toxic/doomed yuri jam/novel so we started talking about toxic yuri. you know, in public, but normally id be fine with that

i turn around and my great-uncle is standing right there. mid sentence in the yuri conversation. bear in mind this is not a great-uncle that i chat with or riff about yuri with, this is a family reunion see-you-next-christmas uncle. on top of the mental load of having my grandpa possibly overheard me chatting about yuri the sudden gearshift was so intense it fucked up my flow for the rest of the day

as icing on the cake, 10 seconds after talking with my great-uncle my mom walks in the store. cant i talk about yuri in public without an unannounced family gathering suddenly occuring?

i can only hope neither of them look up yuri. youd think it couldnt get more surreal but The Wedge Incident happened later that day

Part II: The Wedge Incident

this ones a story with an arc and acts so get ready

behold: The Wedge (of wedge incident fame)

i spotted this crazy spud in the bowl after pulling the potato wedges from the fryer. it doesnt look like much in the photo, but this catch weighed in at a whole quarter pound. for one potato wedge. may as well have been half of a whole potato.

i showed my coworker Bella and confessed my strange desire to own it. i dont like buying fast food but i was utterly enamored. how can you not buy the one-in-a-million quarter pounder tater? my primary concern was that itd be cold by the time i got home, but she encouraged me and suggested i simply eat it at work with which i agreed and bought it, sealing my fate

a purchase and a cup of ranch later and i was set to work. i dipped it and delivered the first blow to the behemoth and it was real good. maybe a little bit too good. it was difficult to eat due to its size, the messiness of the ranch and my avoidance of direct hand contact with the wedge (i handle raw chicken back there and its not to die for). but my voracity was too intense. when i thought no one was around, i started tearing in. i dipped and ate in the corner as if i were a medieval peasant eating a ham shank, hunched over like a little hobgoblin

suddenly, a voice: "DAMN, YOU GOOD??". ranch all over my face like frosting on a 3 am chocolate-cake muncher, i swivelled with a crazed animalistic glare and Bella had discovered me. she started laughing which caused me to start laughing. to make matters worse, this caused the other coworker present, Cam, to investigate and see, who commented "Oh my god May" in a tone of voice as if he walked in and saw me eating roadkill, making it even more absurd.

i think it caused a sort of ego death within me. i usually act weird, but this was more than that. this was not a haha, may hissed at someone, what a character! i was eating that shit like a neanderthal with a mammoth steak. this was more akin to holy shit dude youre fucked up. and just to be clear, not in a bad way, as by the end Bella had succeeded in being one of the few people who have made me cry-laugh. overall wedge was pretty tasty and it both ruined and made my night so it was a pretty good value for 99 cents

Part III: haven gets boinked

the surreal and funny is out of the way, now its time to get serious. hang the novelty mustache-glasses on your shirt pocket and fast forward to today. im being seriously serious with the seriousness this part isnt gonna be very funny

ill keep the details light on this part since its not my place to be publishing personal shit but my coworker Haven's been gettin unfair workloads cuz the manager is being a bastard and retaliating. fun start already

she walked out of the freezer and sat on the floor. ah, okay, she must be taking a rest, back hurts, whatever, shes been runnin around after all. "Fuck". something wrong? she takes off the hat. Blood. big spot on the head and red starts flowing down the face and starts painting the white apron

muscles stiffen. i start doing 100 calculations a second and all of them are 5+5=12. what the hell do i do? ive never seen a friend get humpty-dumpty'd. do i call 911? do i get someone else? "Can you get someone?" directive obtained. i get a manager and wait with her while they pull themselves together. when i get back shes sobbing and half crimson. do you need first aid? a hug? just to be watched? few times before have i felt so high strung over something completely outside my jurisdiction. managers finally arrive and in an instant its back to Smile Time for the customers as if nothing had happened

i learn later that after shes marched out that instead of taking that girl to the ER, they pull her upstairs and start playing the camera review game and probing her to try and find fault. meanwhile, the GM attempts gaslighting into thinking its "just a scratch". the scratch that turned a white uniform into pink tye-dye, in case you need reminding

after hearing that, i learned a very important lesson: never, ever trust a manager. i already knew that businesses are fundamentally incapable of truly caring about the workers, that managers have intrinsically different goals from their subordinates, and that money will always reign supreme. but the callousness i witnessed from our supposed "benefactors" recently and culminating in today has shown me just how far the illusion of care is willing to be ripped down if it can absolve the business of the slightest financial harm or responsibility. they were willing to let my friend bleed in the lions den and abuse the vulnerability to squeeze out some savings on the liabilities. Fuck you. do not be mistaken: this is not mere bad management. this is pure misanthropic avarice. this is what the fight to the top breeds: a complete rejection of humanity and the spilling of others blood in the unceasing hunger for more and more of more.

thankfully, she turned out alright it seems. a mild concussion and a few head staples later, i called to ease my anxiety and she was gettin high and eating pizza. fuck yeah you go girl!! shes gettin some PTO and callin the union about coverage too so it seems it couldve gone worse. thank god nothing happened cuz otherwise id have to live the rest of my life knowing the last thing i talked with her about was "twink pheromones"